You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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