I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize