When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
