Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
