i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
