If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
