That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
