Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
