Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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