There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
