Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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