I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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