all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she told me i tasted like america
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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