Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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