I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
