Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
