she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
