Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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