remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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