Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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