Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
