hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
