i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
