i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
try to milk me bitch
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
