I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
