Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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