You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
