Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
