the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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