My hand turned me down
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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