She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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