I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
