Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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