she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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