Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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