I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
