upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
