he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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