Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
