so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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