you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
