my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
