the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
