Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
