I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
