I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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