did you get engaged???
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
