i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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