My balls are so social today.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
