Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
