Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I could fuck to npr.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
