i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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