What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
