I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Randomize
