the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
