see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize