I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
