I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
