Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
