Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
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